11/12 – On the other side of the ocean. © – 2023 – acrylics on linen – 60×90

Original artwork available at @maksla_xo_gallery (Riga, Latvia)

I have been thinking a lot about parental relationships lately. Maybe because I lost my mother only 6 months ago, and even though we always had a difficult relationship, she was also the symbol of steadfastness and a safe harbor in my life, a safe shelter in case I needed to lay my head down and rest for a while. Maybe because since adolescence me and my son have been emotionally distant from each other and I recently remember the advice of an old friend saying that I had to be distant from him on order to him to grow up, take interest in the world, in other women. I was very afraid to damage my son in the way I felt my parents had damaged me and I took her advice very literally, breaking my own instincts and heart to give him space… Unrequested space that later proved to damage the close relationship we had. I was a betrayed woman and not wanting to harm my son I betrayed him, by making myself absent, distant. Note to self: advices can be given in good intention, but can be very harmful too. Humans have different experiences and therefore the advices can have very adverse outcomes. 20 years later I still feel my son distant and untrusting, repeating patterns that were mine when I decided to give him space. Our romantic relationships are a reflection of the aspects we need to evolve in the relationship with ourselves. Abusive relationships are a sign of unhealthy and self imposed emotional mysery. That kind of relationship where you give the best of you to someone that is mostly there to take and only gives the bare minimum to keep you trying, giving, surviving. People should resolve their emotional issues before they set out to rescue others. We need to count on our safe harbors to learn how to swim before we sail out on our life quests. I was so afraid to suffocate him that I left taking away his life buoy. Even though we are in the same continent, he keeps an ocean between us and instead of finding safe ground he has been pedalling adrift in a leacky boat, that sooner or later will make him a castaway. From my hatch I can only see so far and the sailing continues with no guarantees for safe manoovers, easy journeys, calm seas. life taught methat a broken heart can be healed, but seeing the lost and sad face of someone you love more than anything, feels a little bit like I am drowning.
Dreaming a little to try to make peace with my failures and your choices. Dreaming of pink sunsets, relaxing chairs on a calm deck, on a lazy afternoon of long awaited peaceful laughter, love and safety.

Luciana Mariano ©